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Embracing Uncertainty
by Pam Pretorius
As human beings, we all seek out safety and security, whether we admit it or not. We just want to know what’s coming and although some of our fellow humans may want adventure, most of us just want to know that everything is going to work out just fine like it used to in the movies. Well, that is what my parents told me when I was upset by parts of a movie that I should not worry, “it will all work out in the end”. And if it isn’t all right “then it isn’t the end” – didn’t this come from the Best Little Marigold Hotel movie?
In reality, we know it is not possible to control outcomes, especially those of us who work in this exciting field of coaching.
We know that the world is not designed to give us what we want and so the level of uncertainty is always going to be high. Our work is to help people navigate uncertainty from a position of personal strength. But this challenges our human survival that tells us to avoid uncertainty at all costs and to move towards something more familiar, predictable and safe and while this is sensible, we are neglecting the opportunities that uncertainty that can offer us for our own growth and transformation. But we have to allow ourselves to step into it with courage and a deep and cultivated trust in our world. After success and transformation, many people will say that it was the “not knowing” that delivered the most meaningful shifts in their lives. Imagine if we could start that way?
Taking the risk of starting on something new or having a difficult conversation is not easy and our instinct is to avoid it. The courage to open up for example regarding being disappointed by a colleague and talking about what we felt so strongly at the time. To do this even when we have no idea how it will be received by the colleague is what brings about our growth because we are forced to step out of our comfort zone and into uncertainty. With this fear, something else appears in us as we take the risk. We feel present and alive to all the possibilities. There is clearly a link between the two, trusting and letting go and taking the risk means that we trust the Universe is in our corner and will always be, so why should it be different today? We may not believe it but it is uncertainty that has delivered into our lives some of the most amazing experiences that certainty cannot provide.
As Joel says in his article, “Love requires uncertainty. Creativity requires uncertainty. Growth requires uncertainty.” And when we embrace uncertainty as part of our lives, it is what is under our noses, it is what we see if we are open to it, it is what is here right now. Leaning into our humanity is what Joel is recommending and this means letting go of our need to micromanage and control everything, to know what will happen next will give us the guarantees before we take the next step. But being fully human asks something different of us, says Joel, as does Etsko Schuitema with whom I have worked for over 20 years. It is asking us to be in awe of the opportunity that surrounds us and this means both the positive and the negative – the beauty of nature and the look on your child’s face but it is also the possibilities of being able to love with the joy and the pain that may accompany it.
Life is asking us to allow our emotions to feel that we are fully alive in these precious lives we have been gifted, to be able to wonder what may be around the corner, positive or negative and what it may bring for life and my growth. I recently listened to a podcast by Etsko on the “gift of feeling offended” where he is encouraging us to consider that we limit our possibilities for growth in a world where I want to avoid people who offend me or I simply take offence because that it what happens, right? The problem is that neither of these options gives me the opportunity to learn to walk away and “escape my own self-pity”. Wow, that is a big ask but the most intriguing part was to note is that it is not the offender who is wrong, the person taking offence is wrong. What Etsko is asking us to do for our own growth is to observe what is happening in our lives and to extract the opportunity for growth and letting go i.e. letting go and not being offended but being fully aware of what is happening.
Being offended is my problem and this process of walking away is escaping “the tyranny of my life and being me”, says Etsko. When I am offended, I am assuming that the offender did this on purpose so I am “guilty of imputing my offence onto the offender” says Etsko and those of us who know him, know only he can say it like this. There is a big difference between being offended and having the experience of being offended. It is my witness to how I feel that gives me the choice to do something about it. Someone said to me once “they are your buttons, own them” and don’t we all fall into the trap of allowing our buttons to be pushed? This is simply due to “the tyranny of being me” (Etsko again) and wanting everything to go according to my plan.
My mother taught me to strive for perfection, always and this is what I have been doing all my life but this does not allow me to experience my reality. So, I need to accept that this no longer serves me and to let it go or I shall never be at peace with my world. My challenge is to engage in it and allow myself to be shifted by what I see in this. What I do know, is that it makes me a nicer human being, not just for others but also for myself. Such exacting standards can be exhausting and alienating for others and believe me, it is exhausting for me too.
This is how Joel suggests we can build Community. “No person is an island” and coming from South Africa, knowing the power of Ubuntu I know Joel is right and I am sure that we cannot do this alone. To build community is to build confidence into our journey into the unknown and to do this together. An outcome can’t be guaranteed but surely a process can, if we work on it together? This can only be if we care more about meaningful relationships with others than our own needs and priorities. “Possibilities emerge when we pay attention to connection with others” in our journeys and to do this, we need to be willing to open up and show our humanity.
Quote from Joel again.
It is so much easier to sit there and be a spectator but by doing this we are unable to access our potential that has been “encoded within us over millions of years of evolution” says Joel and he is so right, it is our ability to stand together and be open to one another and everything that the Universe offers us for growth that strengthens us.
In closing, most of us know that it is impossible to eliminate uncertainty, so what do we do about it? Let us consider that we can choose to be a part of it and embrace it because it is there to teach us something. And of course, we can choose who we want to be on the path with us during this time of embracing uncertainty and build our community.